How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s £3.95 per minute.

Today, Barack Obama took the Oath of Office of the President of the United States (with some flubs in the prompts by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts), one of the most happily anticipated Inaugurations since John F. Kennedy’s “Camelot” presidency of 1961.

The oath’s wording is prescribed by the U.S. Constitution (Article II, Section 1, Clause 8):
“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

Contrary to popular belief, “So help me God” is not part of the oath.

There was a little-known humorous event from Kennedy’s Inauguration. Kennedy had beaten then-vice-president Richard Nixon by a very slim margin.

After Kennedy’s speech, Nixon ran into Ted Sorensen, Kennedy’s speech writer, and told him, “I wish I had said some of those things.”

“What part?” Sorensen asked. “The part about ‘ask what your country can do for you’?”

“No,” Nixon said. “The part that starts, ‘I do solemnly swear’….”

–

Source: Presidential Trivia: The Feats, Fates, Families, Foibles And Firsts of Our American Presidents, by Richard Lederer, 2007, p104 (Amazon)

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes 20 visits.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many Greek Orthodox priests does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you mean, “change”!?

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Juan.

and…

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (”Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (”New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”

Dear World:

The United States of America, your quality supplier of the ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for its 2001-2008 service outage.

The technical fault that led to this eight-year service interruption has been located. Replacement components were ordered Tuesday, November 4th, 2008, and have begun arriving. Early tests of the new equipment indicate that it is functioning correctly and we expect it to be fully operational by the end of January.

We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage and we look forward to resuming full service — and hopefully even improving it in the years to come. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Very Truly Yours,

The USA

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created Burger King, and Burger King brought forth the $3.20 double-Whopper, and Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?”, and Man said, “Super size them.”

And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.

And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.

And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, “I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.”

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw that and said, “It is good.”

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery…

And Satan created private health insurance ….

Compilation of funny car crashes:

How the bomb blows up